Promises lost and broken?
by ImTheLoner
Summary: Follow Peeta through heartache, despair, and all consuming rage, and witness him finding hope even when the one he loves is supposedly dead. Hunger Games where Katniss kinda dies. Read and review to find your answers.
1. The Berries

**DISCLAIMER: i don't own anything.**

**A.N: Okay readers welcome to this little fic of mine. I have just rewritten my first chapters because people weren't too happy on the swearing. So because I'm awesome and respect ALL of your opinions I've redone them. :P. Review and tell me what you think. Hopefully I've also added more emotion, but that's up to you to decide.**

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><p><strong>CHP1-The Berries<strong>

**KPOV**

My fingers fumble with the pouch on my belt, freeing it. Peeta sees it and his hand clamps on my wrist. "No, I won't let you."

"Trust me," I whisper. He holds my gaze for a long moment then lets me go. I loosen the top of the pouch and pour a few spoonfuls of berries into his palm. Then I fill my own. "On the count of three?"

Peeta leans down and kisses me once, very gently. "The count of three," he says.

We stand, our backs pressed together, our empty hands locked tight.

"Hold them out. I want everyone to see," he says.

I spread out my fingers, and the dark berries glisten in the sun. I give Peeta's hand one last squeeze as a signal, as a good- bye, and we begin counting. "One." Maybe I'm wrong. "Two." Maybe they don't care if we both die. "Three!" It's too late to change my mind. I lift my hand to my mouth, taking one last look at the world. The berries have just passed my lips when the trumpets begin to blare.

The frantic voice of Claudius Templesmith shouts above them. "Stop! Stop! Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to present the victors of the Seventy-fourth Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark! I give you the tributes of District Twelve!"

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><p><strong>PPOV<strong>

I spit out the berries and pull Katniss against me all the while moving us towards the lake. Before the elation can overtake me, I need to make sure she didn't eat any of the berries. I need proof that she is okay.

She looks at me in concern "You didn't swallow any did you?"

"No." Shaking my head I focus on her looking for any signs of the poison taking affect. "You?" I ask shakily.

"I guess I'd be dead now if I did."

Then she shrugs as if it's no big deal.

I look at her shocked, she's trying to make light of the fact that she could die.

Doesn't she care if she lives! What about her family back in District 12? Does she care nothing for them!

I know I'm being harsh because the truth is, she wouldn't be here if she didn't love them. Her love for Prim had led her here, to this arena and to me.

And in the end I am too selfish a creature to wish things could have happened differently, that she hadn't volunteered and just stayed in District 12. Because the time I have spent with Katniss has been the best experience of my life.

Falling to my knees I pull Katniss down beside me. If anything could break me it would be her. She could destroy with just a flick of her little fingers, finish me off when the Capitol in all there supposed wisdom and power could not.

"Katniss please. " I say brokenly. Even the thought of her death, of her not being here with me in my arms causes me physical pain. I pull her roughly against my chest breathing in her scent. "Don't joke about it ever" I whisper harshly into her ear, my nerves getting the best of me.

We sit there for a while just soaking in each others presence when I notice that she hasn't spoken.

Slight tremors are running through her delicate frame, I lean back to look at her.

Her gorgeous face is contorted in pain, silent tears are running down her cheeks and dropping to the ground with a splash. Her mouth is twisted into a painful grimace instead of her usual breathtaking smile.

It is eerily quiet in the arena as I try to understand what is happening. "Katniss look at me." When she doesn't I start pleading even more. "Katniss please look at me!"

Placing her head in my lap, I gently cradle her face in my shaking hands. I lean over her, shielding her from the sun and staring into her eyes.

They are losing focus, as if she has given up and the life is already leaving her. "No! Please Katniss! Focus on me, look at me. Stay awake please I beg you, I need you." Tears form in my eyes but I don't let mine fall. I won't.

"I don't understand" I cry frantically. She's looking at me but it seems as if she is looking through me.

I pull her close. "The Berries." I whisper stupidly.

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><p><strong>KPOV<strong>

"Katniss, Katniss Katniss..." I can hear him even with the spasms shaking my body, even with pain running up each limb intensifying as time passes.

I try to speak, to comfort Peeta, to tell him not to worry and to make him promise to look after my family. To look after Prim. I try but I fail. All that comes out is a garbled mess of words "ughth artha phim." It feels as if my tongue is attached to the roof of my mouth.

I feel a rocking motion and I think it's me, but when my eyes finally focus I notice I am in Peeta's arms and he is rocking me back and forth.

Looking closer at his face the emotion I see there stops my heart.

His eyes are shut tightly as if to block away reality. I realize then that, that is exactly what he is trying to do, trying to keep away the truth of me leaving so it would not affect him, but I can see the first line of tears trail down his cheeks. I can see his pain etched on his face and his crumpled stance.

All I can feel is shame. He would know heartache and grief, and it was all because of me.

I wish I wasn't stupid enough to eat those berries. Arrghh how could I be so idiotic.

"Katniss please don't leave me. It's you. It has always been you." I can feel his tears drop onto my face and for some reason it makes me ache inside, seeing him so upset. I look into his anguished blue eyes, so watery with tears. My mouth forms words that are impossible to say. I feel lighter, but I keep staring into Peeta's eyes. They are the only thing tethering me to this world.

"Don't die! You can't die, you have to stay with me. Please" He whispers repeating the phrase like a mantra while still rocking me back and forth. Sobs overtake his body causing his shoulders start to shake with the ferocity of his despair. He needs help and I can't help him, my body won't listen to me no matter how hard I try.

It is impossible. I try to touch his face but my hand stays uselessly by my side. My frustration is reaching epic proportions. I can't move or talk but I need to reassure Peeta, He can't stay sad he isn't built that way. He needs to be happy. He just...needs.

"Katniss I love you. Please don't leave me. I love you. I need you. Don't go. Please stay with me" He says through gritted teeth. More tears are falling, from the both of us now.

Wait what?

I thought it was all part of the game he doesn't really love me does he? Does he feel it too?

I try to gather the rest of my strength to ask him, but I can feel myself dying, as if I am slowly being drained away, fading into the ground, decomposing. Before the blackness can over take my vision I get out the word "love". And all I can think is...What have I done? What will my death do to my loveable boy with the bread?

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><p><strong>PPOV<strong>

"Love" as the words leave her lips I can feel a smile overtake me.

She loves me!

As soon as the thought passes I notice she hasn't moved.

Not even a single breath has passed through her beautiful lips!

NO! She can't die. No. I love her. no. No. NO!

Denial washes through me. This has to be a mistake she will wake up. She is just trying to scare me.

I promised to keep her alive. She can't do this to me.

Grief begins to overwhelm me, but I push it back I need her to stay.

"Katniss this isn't funny, wake up. Please wake up. Anything. I'll do anything if you move, please even just a twitch of your nose. Pleasepleaseplease." Breaking, is that what's happening to me? Am I breaking?

She doesn't move. Water droplets land on her cheeks and run down her face.

Looking around, all I see is sun and blue skies. Then I realize I am crying and it is my tears that are dropping onto her pale face and have been for a while.

I look away holding her closer to my chest. Such peaceful scenery isn't meant for this tragedy, this heartbreak. Where has the rain and thunder gone? Where has the darkness gone? It feels as if the environment is celebrating her death. Then I remember that this is a controlled environment. Controlled by the Capitol. The people that killed her.

I will kill them all! They will die, they need to die for killing her for hurting her.

A cannon blast interrupts me from my fury. I know what that means. I look down and see that her face has already started to turn waxy. My body trembles whether from rage or despair I have no idea. I can no longer tell.

I glare at the world I'm in, I curse it for taking away the only person I have ever loved. I explode at the unfairness of the world at the desolation I can feel in my soul. I let it all out in one cry.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I will get them. I will kill them for her. For Katniss. I try to stand when I hear the hovercraft approaching. They are the only ones that will be able to save her now, to bring her back to the land of the living. But I can't. My leg which Cato cut has caused me to lose too much blood. All I can do is collapse next to Katniss and fold her to my chest.

I close my eyes relishing the fact that I have Katniss in my arms. I wait for the hovercraft to collect us together

Faintly in the background I can hear Claudius Templesmith's announcement.

"The victor of the Seventy-fourth Hunger Games, Peeta Mellark! I give you the tribute from District Twelve!"

But my last thought before the world disappears and fades to black is not of my new title, but of my beloved.

Katniss Everdeen the girl who was on fire . The only girl I have ever loved and the girl that died in my arms.


	2. Realization

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

**A.N: Nothing much happens but I hope you like it. It's been redone so review and give me your honest opinion.**

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><p><em><strong>Previous Chapter<strong>_

_But my last thought before the world disappears and fades to black is not of my new title but of my beloved._

_Katniss Everdeen the girl who was on fire . The only girl I have ever loved and the girl that died in my arms._

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><p><strong>Chapter 2: Realization<strong>

**PPOV**

I awake to a blinding bright light, and the sensation of someone stroking my hand. My first thought is that it is Katniss, but before I can experience the overwhelming love I feel whenever I am in her presence harsh reality crashes though me. She's not here, why isn't she here? All I remember is falling after I heard a...a gunshot? Why aren't I in the arena or better yet why aren't I dead?

Glimpses of the arena are flashing before my eyes.

No! No! This can't be real.

Closing my eyes tightly, I hope above all else that I'm dreaming or that my brain is malfunctioning because what I am remembering cannot be true. I cannot allow it to be true.

"Where's Katniss? Katniss! Katniss!" I yell looking around frantically, needing to prove that she is alive. That she loves me like I love her.

Subconsciously I register I am in a hospital room, attached to wires and needles but I don't care. My sole focus is on finding Katniss. Portia who has hold of my arm begins muttering some nonsense but I'm not paying attention to her. I'm looking for Katniss.

Trying to get up is impossible. My body feels as if it has been weighted down.

What type of drugs have they pumped into me? I can barely move.

Before I can find an answer to that question I refocus on finding her. "Katniss where are you?" I scream. Looking towards Portia I beg her with my eyes to help me, but she just sits there looking at me sadly. Why won't she help me find Katniss?

"Peeta... Katniss well she uhmm...she-" Portia seems to take a large gulp of air to steady herself and I know deep down this can't be good. "Peeta, Katniss died in the arena, when she ate the Berries she must have swallowed some of their juices. She didn't make it out, only you did. I'm so sorry Peeta. I'm so so sorry." She says the last bit quietly, as if she is trying to soften the blow.

She knows how much Katniss means to me, I told her before we left. She shouldn't be telling me this, she knows I can't live in a world where Katniss doesn't. She knows how long I've been in love with Katniss, she knows everything!

"No" I choke out "No it can't be true, why are you lying to me?" I can't believe a word she saying, if I do I know I will lose my sanity, I will become like an animal only after basic needs, caring for nothing else. I can't forget Katniss like that. I can't forget my feelings for her. Portia has to be lying.

My anger is rising with every second that passes, her words lodging in my heart.

"Why would you do this to me!" I roar my anger finally surfacing.

How can she tell me this! I look around for anything I can use to end my miserable existence, something that can take me away from my poor excuse of a life. Without Katniss I am nothing.

As I try to move, I once again notice I can't but this time I know the reason why. My arms and legs have been bound to the hospital bed making it impossible to move anything let alone grab something that is capable of killing me.

What the hell! I pull against my restraints trying in vain to get free. Portia looks at me apologetically.

"You can't get out Peeta. Just stop! They have reinforced them with metal it's physically impossible" she states tiredly as if she hasn't slept for weeks.

"Why are you doing this, can't you just let me die!"

"Peeta you know I don't want to do this. But you have to live, you're the only tribute left. You're the victor."

You're the only tribute left.

I feel as if I have just been punched in the face, I'm the only bloody tribute left! The only tribute!. Images of Katniss and I in the arena surround me. Her finding me after Cato had ripped open my leg, her beautiful smile as I try to warm her up in our cave, our first kiss. My breathing comes in stuttering gasps.

I can hear myself hyperventilating. Until now I never truly believed that Portia was telling the truth. As if a floodgate has opened more memories flood my brain, only these ones aren't good. I repress as many as possible but some images get through, breaking down my barriers.

"Peeta calm down!" Portia screams anxiously, her hands are fluttering around me, unsure.

"How am I supposed to calm down when you just told me she's gone?" My voice echoes throughout the room as I scream at her.

Right after I said it I know I was wrong. It's not Portia's fault, but her telling me to calm down just pushed me over the damn edge. Portia looks down and when I see the tears trailing down her cheeks and falling on the bleach white floor I feel like the meanest person in the world. How could I not see? Portia is suffering too, though I doubt its as bad as me.

I doubt she feels like her other half is missing. I doubt her chest hurts with every breathe. I doubt she could even remotely withstand the pain that throbs through my entire body. She has nothing on me.

"Portia you don't understand, you don't understand anything. I can't handle this pain, it's killing me, eating me from the inside out. It feels as if I have already died inside." I heave brokenly trying not to cry as well. "She left me."

Portia gathers me awkwardly into her arms as I am still attached to the bed. I feel as if I am a child in need of a hug, and that is exactly what I get, some form of love just to prove I am not alone.

I need her to anchor me here, to this world because I am lost within my own emotions. They are so intense they keep dragging me under and I am powerless against them.

"Shh Peeta shh. She didn't leave you it wasn't her choice."

"She can't be gone. Portia she just can't be gone." Tears hover behind my lids but I can wait. I will wait.

"You know she's gone. You have to let her go." Gazing into Portia's eyes I see that they are full of sorrow and compassion, whether for me or Katniss I have no idea, but it helps to pull me away from the growing black pit of despair. I pull back, out of her arms to resume my previous position lying back on the bed.

Immobilizing my facial expression and hopefully keeping my face blank I stare out the window as I talk "Let her go? How can I ever let her go? I can't do that, I just can't" My voice is completely neutral because I can't bring myself to speak normally without breaking down and begging for Katniss even though I know it is useless.

"Then you'll have to bear it somehow, carry on with your life and live for her. Peeta she wouldn't want you to be sad forever."

"I just can't" I state resolutely. "Can you go please, I need some time to myself."

"But-" I cut her off before she can talk herself into staying.

"No. Please just go." I clench my teeth together in an effort to hold back the tears, at least until she has left.

After Portia walks through the door I allow myself to revisit the arena. To recall what happened.

As the memories surround me, engulf me in their cruelty, I remember everything. It is incomprehensible but I can see the images that have burnt themselves into my mind. I can see the images I tried so hard to repress. Katniss whimpering in pain while her body shakes, agony emanating throughout her slender frame. I can see it all.

It wasn't a gunshot that I had heard but Katniss' own cannon shot announcing her death. I want to get the horrible images out, but it's impossible. They keep replaying in my mind tormenting me with their content. A sob builds in my chest as I remember her pain but I push it down. I don't deserve to cry while such a magnificent creature cannot. I can feel the aching hole that she has left behind and I know I have earned it.

Lying there I am reminded once again that she is gone, that Death took her away from me while I was incapable of saving her and that no matter how much I love her I can never again caress her exquisite face or kiss her tender lips. I cry because I know this is the only way I can look upon her face again. I can only see her in my horror filled memories.

Failing cost me Katniss and the life I had envisioned for us, a life that will never come to pass. Without her in my world, I can't help wishing I was free to die. Free to be with her, instead I am strapped to a hospital mattress with tears prickling in my eyes again because I know that I never will. At least not while the Capitol is in control. Misery tries to pull me under.

She should have come first! Was I so deluded as to think we could both make it out of the arena? Was I that much of a fool?

Realization hits me like a wave.

It wasn't entirely my fault. The Capitol are the ones who put her in danger in the first place, they are the ones who caused her pain, they are the ones who couldn't allow us to be together. Dark fury replaces my self-loathing.

They are the ones who are going to pay for taking her away from me. Even if I die in the process at least I'll die having avenged her death. Having avenged the woman I loved.

"Peeta" Shocked I turn my head to see Haymitch, he must have come in while I was lost in my memories.

He looks like hell. His clothes are wrinkled, his face is red and worst of all his eyes are puffy. The aftermath of tears.

I feel pity for the man I have come to trust and even call a friend.

But then he starts to speak. "You look like shit. What happened to you?"

What happened to me! My anger comes back fullforce. Is he really serious? I just lost the woman I have dreamed about marrying my entire life, she died in my arms, I can't kill myself to be with her because the Capitol won't allow it and he asks me what happened to me!

"What!" My voice croaks out. It's not as harsh as I intended, probably because it's hoarse from all my screaming I think mockingly.

He nods towards my hands "Your arms" is all he says.

Looking down, for the first time I notice my wrists have been rubbed raw. I didn't even remember doing that or even feeling the pain, now that I notice them I can feel it and it hurts. It really bloody hurts.

Isn't that just my luck. After everything I've been through my wrists hurt worst.

Other that losing Katniss.


	3. Victors Ceremony

**Disclaimer: Though I wish I did, I don't know anything.**

**Previous Chapter**

_Isn't that just the shit. After everything I've been through my wrists hurt worst ._  
><em>Other than losing Katniss.<em>

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><p><strong>Chapter 3- Victors Ceremony<strong>

**``````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````````` PPOV**

It's been 3 weeks since I was told of Katniss's death. 5 days since I've eaten properly without the help of this needle in my arm, and 3 hours since my restraints have been removed.

I. Hate. My. Life.

I had thought if I didn't eat I would be able to starve myself to death. My own rebellion against the Capitol, while I was strapped helpless to this hospital bed. But the Capitol had another plan. When I first passed out from lack of nutrition I woke up to find they had put me on a drip. They wouldn't let me die no matter how hard I tried. And damn did I try. I even resulted to trying to bite my own tongue in the hopes of finally having peace. Peace where Katniss and I were finally together in wherever it is you go once you die. But I was caught before I could bleed enough. It was as if they could read my mind, because as soon as the blood started flowing nurses were everywhere stopping it saying I needed to live for the freaking VICTORS CEREMONY!

In the end I finally gave up. I broke.

The Capitol had finally fucking broken me.

I completely shut down.

When they removed the restraints I was too damn weak to move even if I wanted to. But I didn't want to, what was the point? So instead I hid myself behind a mask to hide my pain. I wouldn't give the Capitol, even whilst I was sinking into depression the satisfaction of seeing my tears. I would try to smile when Portia, Haymitch and even Effie came to visit because I felt like I should. It was the only way of keeping everyone at arms length, away from the torment in my heart.

But once they were gone I let the mask slip because I just don't have the energy or the inclination to keep it there when I don't need to .

Then my pain is visible on my face.

**~~~~~ 1 week later~~~~**

"Peeta it's time." I glance up expecting to see Haymitch, instead its Ceasar Flickerman the host of the Hunger Games. With his clothes a startling red that seems to match his newly dyed hair, he smiles warmly at me as if we are the best of friends.

Which we're not.

I know what he's here for, it should make me angry instead I'm just numb.

He's here to tell me it's time for me to go to the Victors Ceremony where they will recap my time in the Games. My time with Katniss. I know I won't be able to witness this without breaking down but I am forced to go.

"I'm coming" I snap at him my voice rough with anger.

But he has already gone on stage chatting happily with his audience. I fix a glare onto my face hoping that it will stay there. I knew this was coming, that's why I had tried to work up my strength to finally get this over with. My once strong body is now barely able to support me after my time in the Games and the depression I had sunken into.

As I limp towards the stage everyone goes quiet, not even a whisper is heard as I take my seat opposite Ceasar.

My breathing is heavy because of the short walk from backstage.

If I cared enough I would have been embarrassed by how useless I am, but the truth is I don't care. They can all screw themselves and I wouldn't even bat an eyelash.

Looking down at my leg that Cato cut open I notice it has been healing quite nicely. It's suprising how advanced the Capitol are in terms of technology, but then again they are severly lacking in other areas. All they really are is a group neanderthals who find it entertaining using others for their own enjoyment.

But I digress.

Gazing into the crowd I can see Portia and Cinna sitting together watching me. I give them my fake smile because it's all I can offer them at the moment.

"So Peeta how are you?" Ceasar shocks me from staring with his question, which in itself shocks me again because all I have felt for the past four weeks has either been sadness or rage.

I look towards him and almost let a bitter laugh escape me as I see how interested he seems in my answer.

"How do you think I am ?" I say sarcastically "I'm the victor"

"Oh..." Just as Ceasar registers my sarcasm the lights on the cameras turn red. I'm guessing we are being streamed live to the rest of Panem. Turning towards the camera on the left Ceasar begins speaking. "Welcome ladies and gentlemen to this years Victors Ceremony! It been quite the ride has it not?"

You know how they say enthusiasm is contagious...well they were wrong. It just makes me mad.

I can see a few audience members nodding, but most of their eyes are on me. I can even see a few with tears in their eyes already. Man I must look bad but, I have no way to know as I haven't dared look at myself in the mirror . I'm too afraid of what I might see.

"First with Katniss volunteering in her sisters place" At Katniss's name I tense, bowing my head to try to keep as much of what I'm feeling behind my mask. A gasp runs through the crowd so I'm guessing I didn't succeed.

Ceasar continues though as if nothing had happened. "Then the outstanding fire suits provided by Portia and Cinna" The cameras settle on Portia and Cinna who stand up to wave to the crowd. "But most of all watching the love between Katniss and Peeta grow." He says this sadly as if it is being forced out of his throat.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HE JUST SAID THAT! My chest tightens in rememberence and as I am about to walk off the stage Ceasar notices and swiftly changes the subject.

"Now for what you have all been waiting for... Let us Recap!" The natural happiness in his voice just makes me want to knock him out.

I can just imagine him lying on the ground with his red clothes and hair pooled around him like blood. For once I actually allow a genuine smile grace my features before it is quickly wiped away by the anthem of Panem.

I hate it. I hate this and I hate them.

The recap begins and all of a sudden I am surrounded by the Games.

They condensed all those weeks I spent fighting for my life and sometimes Katniss's into a 3 hour video. It shows me standing there on stage, shaking after my name had been pulled out during the reaping. Katniss stood next to me beautiful and defiant. The passion in her gaze nearly breaks my heart all over again. The screen changes to the chariot ride through the Capitol. I am once again captivated by the beauty of Katniss. It is as if she is an otherwordly being. She is The Girl On Fire, a being far beyond mere mortal comprehension. Looking at myself it seems as if I am a stone anchoring her to the ground while she gazes adoringly towards her public trying to fly away.

I can still feel the strength of her grip as I lightly close my fist. She's my missing piece.

Next is just my training scores and the interview where I confessed my true feelings for Katniss.

**~~~~~~FLASHBACK**

_"Handsome lad like you. There must be some special girl. Come on, what's her name?" says Caesar his blue hair flashing in the light._

_I sigh. I have no idea what to say!_

_Do I tell the truth or not. I might as well do it. Haymitch said tell the truth anyway, so why am I freaking out?_

_"Well, there is this one girl. I've had a crush on her ever since I can remember. But I'm pretty sure she didn't know I was alive until the reaping." I try to not sound to dissapointed but I fail miserably._

_Sounds of sympathy from the crowd. Unrequited love they can relate to._

_"She have another fellow?" asks Caesar sadly._

_Gale immediately jumps to mind when he asks that. The way he looks at her when they are together, it is obvious he has feelings for her. There are others too but she doesn't seem to notice._

_Instead of explaining all of this instead I simply say "I don't know, but a lot of boys like her."_

_"So, here's what you do. You win, you go home. She can't turn you down then, eh?" says Caesar encouragingly._

_Oh how I wish that were true I think to myself._

_"I don't think it's going to work out. Winning . . . won't help in my case."_

_"Why ever not?" says Caesar, mystified._

_I can feel my cheeks flame as I stammer out. "Because . . . because . . . she came here with me."_

_I might as well tell the whole truth._

**_~~~~~~END OF FLASHBACK~~~~~_**

I was terrified then. My heart was pounding in my chest I was suprised no one heard it. I remember her anger afterwards. She was exquisite in her rage, her cheeks a blushing red and her eyes blazing.

How could she no longer be in this world? The thought alone is inconcievable.

Once we were in the arena it's just a tangled mess of bloodshed and terror. Then there's Katniss the only beacon of light in this whole game. I see me saving her from Cato, pushing her away. I see her singing to Rue after the little girl was speared. All I see is her. My Katniss.

The music behind the videos just reiterates the fact that Katniss is not there. It is so upbeat while death is warring in every image.

Then comes the part I have been dreading. Katniss' death.

All the emotions I have been trying to hold back break free.

Whimpers escape from my mouth as I try to hide myself behind my mask. To keep my emotions to myself in the hopes of not giving the Capitol any more of my life.

The whimpers were better than the ugly sobs that I want to let fall, to let rip their way through my body.

But this only showed how much better I was getting at controlling my emotions, because they sure as hell weren't getting less intense.

Christ the pain.


	4. Haymitch

**Disclaimer. Nothing is mine...except the plot. I own it. It's my baby.**

**A.N: Haymitch can swear because he's well...Haymitch.**

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><p><em>Previous Chapter<em>

_This only showed how much better I was getting at controlling my emotions because they sure as hell weren't getting less intense._

_Christ the pain._

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><p><strong>Chapter 4: Haymitch<strong>

**PPOV**

"Peeta!"

The people in the audience are screaming my name and crying as if they were the ones being broken, being forced to endure torture all for the sake of publicity, for the sake of some sick game. Even if I wasn't in the middle of my own version of a personal hell, I would still find their actions infuriating and down right wrong. But since I am, it makes this experience worse.

Glancing at Ceasar Flickerman in front of me I can see Katniss dying on the screens over his head.

My hand is clasped to my chest and I can almost feel my heart breaking. They haven't stopped playing her death and all I can think is that they actually want to torture me.

Why the hell are they repeating it!

I see me holding her, and all I want to do is go back to that moment when I had her. She was in my arms and even amongst all the sadness I felt at the thought of losing her, it cannot compare to how I feel now that I have lost her...at least then I still felt whole.

Now I feel like my chest has been peirced because all I can feel is the throbbing. I know it's my heart beating and it's agonizing each time it beats, it's as if it understands it shouldn't be beating and it knows it's fighting nature to keep doing so.

Trying to compose myself I stealthily wipe the tears from my cheeks, but they just won't stop falling.

Looking into the audience I see my only safe harbour. I didn't even know he was here until now.

Haymitch is sitting beside the artificial citizens of the Capitol. In another time I may have found it funny. Gruff Haymitch surrounded by those brightly coloured freaks with their artificial faces and stupid reactions. But now all I can think is that he loved her too. Haymitch is the only one not watching me. He is the only one still focussed on the screens. The screens I can't bear to watch, but can't help wishing to see.

Haymitch loved Katniss as well. Katniss was his daughter even if she didn't know it. I didn't even really know the full extent of the love he had for her until now. Now that I can see him try wash away the tears that coat his cheeks. How could he have relived this every year? Training and mentoring children everyday just to watch them die on screen.

Standing up I walk away from the crowd, away from Caesar and away from Panem. I just can't do this anymore. From the corner of my eye I see Haymitch leave as well.

Backstage is as far as I can go before my legs give out but luckily Haymitch is there to catch me.

Damn I miss my legs.

It must have taken me longer to walk here than I thought, that or Haymitch ran back here which I highly doubt.

"See boy, you should have been working up your strength not letting it waste away." He says jokingly. Trying to lighten the somber mood I guess. It doesn't work though because I can see his bloodshot eyes. Bloodshot from crying over Katniss.

"Haha very funny Haymitch" I say trying to conjure up enough sarcasm so I don't sound as awful as I feel. "Can you get me out of here?"

"Sure kid, come on" Pulling me up and wrapping one of my arms around his shoulders, Haymitch leads me towards the backstage door. You know the one that says "Fire exit" and "The fire alarm will sound when door is opened."

Yeah I dont think he realised what was going to happen. Opening the door all I hear is the alarm before Haymitch starts laughing like a maniac and towing me away from the building.

"Hey Haymitch where are we going?"

We had been walking for a while.

Actually I hadn't been walking, since I couldn't without tiring myself out, and Haymitch being the saint he is took full advantage of that fact. He had practically been dragging me around like a lap dog for the last 30 minutes.

"We are going to Katniss's funeral"

* * *

><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

"Can you get me out of here?"

Fucking stupid Capitol. I'm suprised the poor kid could even walk off stage after the shit they just put him through.

Throwing his arm around my shoulders I help him up.

"Sure kid, come on" I say

Moving Peeta and I toward the fire exit I think back to the interview. My heart went out to Peeta. Truly it did. The little retard looked horrible with his pale skin, blank eyes and screwed up leg. You could tell how much he loved her just by looking at him. He had been well and truly destroyed.

If only he didn't let her eat the berries.

Arghhh what an idiot!

Seeing Katniss's death on those screens had hit me harder than I thought it would. That girl just had to have everything. She could have won the whole whore of a game. She would have won too if she didn't let her emotions get in her way.

Emotions. I fucking hate them.

I wasn't supposed to love her. I wasn't supposed to care for her, but as usual she had no idea of the effect she can have on others. How the hell did she worm her way into my heart?. I try not to get attached to the tributes I train and it's worked everytime.

Until now.

Damn that girl was like a daughter to me. She made me bloody cry for her. Something I haven't done for a while. A very long while. Not since Maysilee

Sigh

Pulling open the door an alarm goes off. Shit I knew I should of read the stupid signs.

I wish the alarm would just SHUT THE FUCK UP!. Good God it hurts my ears.

Ever since Katniss's death I've felt so out of control. As if with her death all the emotions I held back over the years, all the repressed feelings of sadness and guilt from the deaths of previous tributes has come back to take control of me. What has that girl reduced me too?

It's actually kind of funny the situation I'm in.

Here I am carrying Peeta because he can't walk cause of his fucktarded suicide attempts, thinking about the girl we both loved (in different ways of course) and trying to get as far away from the Capitol as possible, as quietly as possible and we set off the motherfucking alarm. How more obvious could we have been?

Laughing at the ridiculousness of it all, I quickly pull Peeta through the doors and start walking.

"Hey Haymitch where are we going?" Peeta asks quietly. I don't think he realises how quiet he's been talking lately. As if the louder his voice the less people understand him. It's actually been getting on my nerves.

I ignore his question.

It's obvious he's been curious for a while. I mean he's been freaking moaning like a child for the past 10 minutes. I just can't help but not tell him. It annoys him to no end that I haven't answered yet.

Who could blame me though? It takes his mind off of her. It makes me happy, it's a fucking win-win situation. I'm doing what is best for the both of us.

Admittedly it's mostly best for me. But I do have sympathy for the kid. I like him, even if I am pissed as hell at him for letting Katniss eat those berries.

He's a good guy and I know it. I just wish he wasn't because it would be so much easier to hate him.

"We are going to Katniss's funeral" I whisper softly. I can't raise my voice to someone in such a pitiful condition. Usually I sound like a dick because I always speak my mind but I just can't let my mouth run away with me, knowing it will probably send Peeta deeper into his depression.

Eyeing him carefully to see how he reacts to this new revelation I continue walking us towards the Capitol's train station.

Peeta actually straightens his back and squares his shoulders. "Her funeral?"

There he goes again with his quiet talking. Damn I miss Katniss and her loud mouth.

"Yes Peeta they are having a funeral service in District 12 to say goodbye to her."

He stops walking and becomes still. Scarily so. I try to move him forward but he doesn't even budge.

Swallowing harshly he speaks, his voice quiet and without emotion."When? When are they saying goodbye?"

As much as I want to try lighten the mood,to joke around, I know how serious this conversation is. She is going to be put into the earth in 2 days. 2 bloody days until Katniss is offcially gone.

"They are burying her Tuesday..." I trail off as I see him tense. I'm about to ask him if I should shut up but the look he gives me tells me to get on with it before I get beaten up. And an old man like me against a young thing like him? Even with all his ailments I still doubt I would win so I carry on regardless.

"... Tuesday afternoon but before that they are retelling stories about Katniss or things they wish to tell her"

Still emotionless he asks the question I really wish he hadn't. "Are they filming it?"

How do you tell a lovestruck fool like Peeta that the woman he adores will still be used for entertainment even after her death? This knowledge even makes me enraged. I can't imagine how Peeta is going to react.

Sighing I tell him the truth. "Yes Peeta they are. It's going to be broadcasted live to the whole of Panem"

Unresponsive. That is the only thing I could say about Peeta at this moment. All he did was remove his arm from my shoulder and continue walking actually limping in the direction of the train station. I did nothing to stop him. He needed time alone to clear his head.

I tried to be patient. I truly did but his slow progress was frustrating, so after around 15 minutes I grabbed his shoulder and towed him the rest of the way.

Fuck I need a drink.


	5. Private Goodbye's

**Disclaimer: Nothing is owned by me...**

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><p><em>Previous Chapter<em>

_I tried to be patient. I truly did but his slow progress was frustrating, so after around 15 minutes I grabbed his shoulder and towed him the rest of the way._

_Fuck I need a drink._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5- Private Goodbye's<strong>

**On the Train.**

**HPOV**

During dinner, which I force Peeta to eat, I discretely slip a sleeping pill into his drink. I knew he wouldn't have been able to sleep otherwise. The kid was a mess when he realised Katniss was on the same train as us.

She is making her last journey on the train with us and Peeta may or may not have had to be pried away from her coffin. He wouldn't leave her side.

Picking up his unconcious form I half drag half carry him to his room. I carefully place him in his bed ensuring he didn't smash his head against anything. It would make him even more moody in the morning and fuck I don't think I could handle any more mood from that boy. Tucking him in I stare for a while.

He looks so peaceful when he's asleep. All the sadness and loss recedes. I can even see a slight smile on his face. He is just...innocent.

Why couldn't he be ugly so I could talk myself into beating him pretty! No instead the boyish looking douche bag has to tug on my protective instincts. Arghh

I walk out of the room, searching for my vice.

The Capitol has supplied me well. The whiskey is already half gone and it isn't stopping my second round of tears for the day. It has not washed away my thoughts of Katniss though, all alone in her room.

I can't stand the thought of her alone. She isn't in there, but all I have left of her is and I am drawn like a fly to the dead.

Trudging towards her room on unsteady legs I open the door. In the middle of the room there is a black coffin with gold edges. Stamped across the side there is a lone mockingjay that looks as if it is about to take flight.

It's perfect for her.

Pulling a chair from beside the door I carry it towards the coffin. Sitting down next to her I place my forehead on the cool surface of her coffin my tears landing on the ebony surface and marring it's perfection.

"Katniss.." I sigh brokenly more tears falling. They are fucking unstoppable.

"I never told you this Katniss but I loved you. You were the daughter I always wanted but wouldn't dare bring into this screwed up world. You were stubborn, infuriating and downright annoying but you were pure, and honest. Things that aren't seen much anymore and I adored you for it. I tried so hard not to love you, but you reminded me so much of myself that I couldn't." Laughing hollowly I continued. "I know I sound like an arrogant prick saying I love you because you're like me but you were more than that. You were caring, selfless, and so much more than I could ever dream to be. I fucking didn't even realise how much love I had for you until you died. What type of fucked up shit is that? You were the only one capable of making me laugh. Really laugh."

Quietly I carry on with my voice hoarse from too much damn emotion in one day." You are the only one capable of making me cry."

My tears that have fallen on her coffin are slowly sliding off, like Katniss is crying with me.

"Fuck Katniss why'd you have to leave? That boy Peeta fucking loves you so much that it physically hurts him and I can only imagine what the District is like." Sitting up I place my and on her coffin and kiss it. This is my goodbye. It's how it's supposed to be. Private and heartfelt.

I stay there until I can hear movement from the other rooms. It means that people are going to be in here with her so she won't be alone. Kissing her coffin one last time I leave her with my whiskey bottle in hand.

Reaching my suite I grab the sleeping pills and down two with a swig from my bottle. Laying on my bed I let the sleep overwhelm me. It becomes my new best friend stopping all of my pain leaving only blackness in it's wake.

Waking up to a blonde avox shaking my shoulder, all I can think about is that today they are burying Katniss. Out the windows I can see we are still moving, but from the looks of it we are almost there.

Fuck Peeta must be a wreck. Walking to his room I see that he isn't there. There is only one place he could be. Or would want to be.

Katniss's room.

When I reach her room I look inside and see him sitting exactly like I was last night. Forehead on her casket, slumped shoulders and hand on her casket also. I can't hear him from so far away but even I can tell it's heartbreaking.

Slowly backing away from the door so he doesn't hear me I leave him with his dead love. I think i'll just let him have his time with her while he can.

Finding another bottle of whiskey in a compartment I go and sit by a window with sun shining through. Closing my eyes I think about my rules.

1. Never get attached to tributes

2. Never fall in love

3. And always get revenge.

That girl fucking broke almost every rule and she didn't even know it.

Because of her I am a shattered old shell of a man. How can I survive shit if I don't even have faith anymore?

But I will help Peeta destroy the Capitol. I know he's going to try, and he'll need all the help he can get. Anyway I have to. It's one of my rules after all. The Capitol will pay for taking away my little girl.

I am stopped from my inner musing as the train halts.

We are here.

District 12.

Motionless I stay seated, staring at District 12 in silence. Everything seems exactly as I left it. The same dark and shitty weather. The same coal covered citizens. The same starving children.

The District seems unchanged. But it's not.

I can feel the loss of Katniss as if it is something tangible. The whole District looks as if it's in bloody mourning. Not one person that I can see, adult or child is smiling. Never has District 12 reacted like this over the death of a tribute.

Sure, I've seen grief before from the families of the deceased and their friends. I've watched them shutter themselves inside their homes, ignoring all visitors with their pitying looks and sympathetic smiles. This is normal, we deal with our sadness quietly. We don't let it show. We put on a brave front in the hopes that we still look strong. This is something District 12 has become accustomed to- hiding our pain.

But this...this is fucking extreme. No one is even pretending that they're strong anymore.

And I understand clearly.

Katniss affected more lives than she could ever imagine possible. She was our hope for the future, she was the beauty amongst the beastial. She was the selfless amongst the selfish. She was pure and she was killed by the corrupt. She represented so much more...she was so much more.

You can see the devastation in everyone's blank stares, in their red eyes, and in the damn near tear inducing, heartrending cries coming from her family as they wait for her coffin.

Her family.

My gaze lands on them and I can't help but wish I hadn't looked. I only need to use one word to express why.

Prim.

No amount of words would be able to describe the pain I can see carved into her young face. A girl such as Prim should never have to experience such sorrow, but in our world ruled by the Capitol it happens every year.

Sighing quietly to myself I try to stand, but after the amount I've drunk the best I can do is wobble unsteadily toward the exit and hope to whatever God exists that I don't fall flat on my face.

"Haymitch it's time to disembark." A quiet voice states. Peeta looks at me waiting for an answer to a question he didn't even ask. Idiot.

"Peeta what the hell does it look like I'm doing? Fucking your mother?" I say as scathingly as possible because...

1. I do have a reputation to maintain.

2. I'm totally wasted.

And 3. Peeta is just being plain stupid.

Good lord I was already moving to the bloody exit before he even opened his trap. Ugh It's as if the longer he's not with Katniss the more retarded he gets. Jeez I loved the girl too but I'm not losing brain cells because of it.

Then again no brain cells, means no memories.

Katniss...writhing...pain...arena...tears...

Wincing slightly from the onslaught of images, I push them away along with the emotions that accompany them. Now is not the time for that. At least not whilst I am surrounded by District 12 who are waiting for their brave little Mockingjay.

Before I could say something else I look back at Peeta to make sure he wasn't too offended. I mean I'm a self proclaimed asshole but even I have limits, and after the way Peeta has been acting, I would be a bastard if I made him anymore sorrowful. If that's even possible.

Searching him for some kind of reaction to what I said all I see are his blue vacant eyes. They have been like that ever since Katniss died. Actually she killed herself. She is the one that put the berries in her mouth. Stupid little girl I think sadly. Shaking my head I walk out the door Peeta following me silently.

Me swearing about his mother didn't even bother him. I wonder if anything will. But then again his mother is a cold-blooded shrew.

On the train platform I stop, falling slightly in my alcohol induced state. Catching myself all I see is Katniss's supposed cousin stalking up to me. He is pretty big too. He's a big, angry, olive skinned freak and he's walking towards me!

"You stupid fucking bastard! I'm going to kill you!"

Shit what have I done now?

* * *

><p><strong>PPOV<strong>

Anger...

Desolation...

Torment...

Agony...

How many words can possibly explain what I'm feeling inside?

None. No word that exists can even hint at the..the intense ache I feel. My heart has contorted into something unimaginable. Barely a shadow of what it used to be. It has shrivelled within me and I could care less. What will I do without the one girl I've never been without?

Ever since I woke up on this train, I ran straight here. To this room, on this godforsaken train. Just so I could be alone with Katniss.

I feel wrong.

I feel as if nothing will ever feel right again. How could it possibly be right?

Death had always been something I was accustomed to. In District 12 it was our only real enemy. Children die from starvation all the time. In the arena there was nothing but death, and now sitting here next to Katniss's coffin all I can think is how much more death can I possibly handle before I break?

Or have I already broken and not noticed.

Standing slowly I walk to the window. We have arrived home, at least we have arrived to the place where I live. Home is where the heart is and my heart was stolen, crushed and destroyed. I have no home anymore, no safe harbour. No life left to give.

Sigh. Everyone is waiting outside on the train platform. They are always waiting. Will anyone ever do anything to beat the Capitol? Was Katniss the only one capable of rebellion?

No.

I will continue the change she started. I will do something.

Looking back at Katniss's coffin one last time I start to look for Haymitch. I still can't believe he drugged me. I've had so many drugs in my system I can't help but wonder if I will become addicted. I imagine it's possible. The pills give me freedom. An escape. They smother me in nothing but darkness. Intoxicating me with the hours of numbness they offer.

I find Haymitch in his room twirling and stumbling around everywhere in some kind of foreign looking dance. He's completely wasted.

"Haymitch it's time to disembark"

His drunken fumbling stops immediately and he looks at me through blood-shot eyes. Spittle gathers on the sides of his mouth as he speaks.

"Peeta what the hell does it look like I'm doing? Fucking your mother?" The anger in his tone is weak and I know he's only saying it because he's hurting as well. So I ignore him and the disgusting image he had just forced into my head. Why would he say he's fucking my mother? That's just...eww. I'm surprised though that he didn't even slur his words considering how drunk he is. That there is a talent I think sarcastically.

While I'm trying to stop thinking, Haymitch has already started to leave. I follow him as walks off. He stumbles as we hit the platform, but before I can help him he steadies himself. That is pretty lucky considering if I got to him in time he'd probably take me down as well. My body is still weak even though I've slept for hours.

"You stupid fucking bastard! I'm going to kill you!" Someone is angry. Really angry. Spit lands on my chin and in front of me all I see is a furious Gale being held back by the security guards the Capitol assigned me. What is his problem?

"Whoa kid what did I ever do to you?" Haymitch cringes, rocking back on his feet. I don't blame him. It's as if Gale is somehow projecting his emotions because I can feel his rage. But unlike Haymitch I can tell Gales rage is directed towards me, then again Haymitch can't even walk straight so I guess it's to be expected.

"Haymitch he's talking to me"

"You Peeta Mellark you are a murderer. You killed her you prick!" By this point the guards started dragging Gale's shaking form away. He was still screaming though and every word just added to my pain.

Murderer...Killer...Butcher...Evil.

Falling to my knees all I can do is stare at the tragedy around me. Gale is being forcefully removed, her family are by her coffin that had just been removed from the train and their expressions just kill me more. I can't handle this anymore. At least not if I allow myself to feel. I close my eyes to get rid of their faces, of her face.

When I open them I see that Haymitch is on the ground unconcious. When that happened I have no idea but even though I see this I don't feel a thing. I can't feel a thing.

Sobbing breaks me from my detached state of mind as little arms wrap themselves around my shoulders hugging me from behind.

"D-d-did she s-say anyt-thing t-t-to you about m-me? Peeta do you think she f-f-forgave m-me?" Prim holds me tighter with each word. I can barely hear her through her tears and shaking.

Grabbing her arm that is wrapped around my neck and almost cutting off my air supply, I pull her little body onto my lap and hold her tight. The poor little girl is blaming herself for my own foolish mistake.

"Prim" My voice sounds weird even to my own ears. Too distant and cold. "There was nothing to forgive, Katniss chose to take your place it-" Before I could finish my sentence she cuts me off.

"B-but if s-she h-h-hadn't taken m-my p-place-"

"No! Prim, Katniss would never have wanted you to be in that arena. She left so you would be safe." Pulling back I grab Prims face between my hands, and I'm shocked into silence by her resemblence to the girl I love. They have the exact same facial structure the only difference is Prims blue eyes and blonde hair.

"Prim she loved you. And she would always choose your life over hers. Always." My voice trails off near the end, because even though I want this little girl, who is so similar to Katniss to be happy, I still can't get over Katniss's death. And I won't anytime soon.

"It's not your fault and it never was." Still Prim cotinues to cry into my shirt her tiny body trembling against mine.

"Prim! PRIM! Prim where are you! Prim!" Over the already chaotic background sounds of the train station, I can hear Mrs Everdeen's strangled screams.

"She's here!" I call out as loud as I can, waving my left hand to catch her attention.

When she finally sees me she sprints over towards us

"Prim I was so worried" Mrs Everdeen says as she tries to pry Prim from me but Prim just tightens her hold and continues to cry. I can feel my shirt soaked through with her tears, clinging to my chest.

"Peeta would you mind taking her my house?" She say pointing at the devastated girl in my lap. I'm not sure I'll be able to carry Prim let alone myself but I guess I'm going have to try.

"Sure I would love to." Gathering my strength I stand up cradling Prim in my arms. I'm shaking already but no-one notices. As I'm about to leave Mrs Everdeen gasps. Turning around I see her looking at the ground.

Shoot I forgot about Haymitch.

Haymitch is still unconcious on the ground.

"Is he alright?" I ask. Haymitch isn't the greatest guy I know but at least you know he cares. Even if he pretends otherwise.

"Mrs Everdeen is he alright?" I repeat as she kneels next to him. It seems that the medic in her has come out leaving the distraught mother in the background. She quickly checks him over before she speaks again.

"Yes, he is fine just severely intoxicated." Mrs Everdeen calls out to someone who's name I do not know and asks him to take Haymitch to her house. I follow behind slowly. Straining under the weight of the now sleeping Prim. Luckily we aren't that far away from her house.

When I get inside I'm told to place Prim in her bed which I do gratefully. I'm totally drained with absolutely no energy left. In the end I just sit down near the head of Prims bed and catch my breath. My family are probably worried about me by now, but I just can't bring myself to leave, even if I could move.

This is Katniss's house. She lived here everyday and experienced things in here that I can only ever guess at.

I need to stay, if only for a little while.


	6. My final Goodbye

**Disclaimer: I don't own any characters or anything else associated with Hunger Games**

**A.N: I've had to rearrange the chapters as it was out of order and stuff. So I finally got around to fixing it :P**

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><p><em>Previous Chapter<em>

_This is Katniss's house. She lived here everyday and experienced things in here that I can only ever guess at._

_I need to stay, if only for a little while._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6- My Final Goodbye<strong>

**Funeral**

Katniss's Mother stood behind the podium gazing into the growing crowd.

This was being broadcasted to the whole of Panem and all of District 12 was out in all of their finery, coal covered boots and all. In the background I could already hear people sobbing. But the area around me was silent. We were the family, the most affected by her death.

I was standing next to Prim. We had been together ever since I walked off the train and the sight of her was devastating. Other than the blue eyes and blonde hair, she was like a miniature Katniss. They even had the same mannerisms.

Though I could tell that she was trying to be brave and hold in the tears, Prim's top was stained by those little salty droplets.

We were here for a reason and the reason left me cold.

Gale on the other side of me is the only one I think that can truly understand my pain.. almost.

We were here for Katniss's funeral.

Mrs everdeen started speaking...

" I am hear today to tell you about my daughter" her voice broke but she carried on regardless... I could see how hard this was for her. Her face was pale her nose and eyes were red, but the tears hadnt fallen... yet.

"But I can't sum up my daughter in just a few words. I can't condense her life into just a few sentences so instead I'm going to read a poem... a poem her father wrote for her." Now the tears had finally begun to fall.

_"To know her is to love her,_

_She's the best thing in the world,_

_She seems to just be heaven-sent_

_For she's my baby girl!"_

Mrs Everdeen seemed to draw into herself as she continued reading. Her voice though was clear and precise for all to hear, even when it cracked from her emotions.

_"She's precious as a tot can be,_

_All dressed in pink and white,_

_She's so alert all through the day_

_And sweetly sleeps at night."_

_"Yes, knowing her is loving her,_

_That's absolutely true._

_And when my baby laughs and smiles,_

_You know she's loving you!"_

_"Katniss yes I love her_

_A daughter so sweet and pure_

_There's nothing in this world so rare_

_Of that I can be sure."_

The last line of the poem was said in a whispered agony of feelings. Mrs Everdeen looked tortured.

"He wrote this when she was born and I found it hidden in the bottom of his clothes trunk. Katniss never got the chance to hear it but I hope now she can hear it from her father herself"

Mrs Everdeen stared at the cameras and I could see her eyes narrow. Then looking up she whispered " Goodbye my baby girl" and pressed her three middle fingers on her left hand to her lips and held them up towards the sky. The rest of the District followed suit.

The screaming and wailing started up then.

Prim next to me could barely stand from the onslaught of emotions. I could feel her little hands clutching at my shirt as she buried her face in my chest. Wrapping my arms around her tightly, I held her as I felt her legs give out. She had just lost her sister, I had lost the love of my life, her mother had lost her eldest daughter and it was all because of the Capitols need to prove their dominance. I gently lowered myself and Prim to the ground as I watched her mother.

Though compsed on stage Mrs Everdeen was a tragic sight off. As soon as she descended the stairs she collapsed into the awaiting arms of Haymitch. She became inconsolable once she noticed the cameras move away, finally able to show her grief without giving the Capitol more of a show.

It was then that I noticed Gale moving toward the stage. It must be time for him to say goodbye too.

"My name is Gale and I loved Katniss I-" He was cut off by a scream from someone in the crowd.

"I thought you were cousins!" I could see the rest of the audience nodding showing their confusion.

"I- uh" Gale eyes shoot toward the Peacekeepers. I follow his eyes and see them shaking their heads.

Gale drops his head and starts speaking into the microphone. "She was like my sister, she was my other half, my partner in everything and I loved her."

In no way did Gale think of Katniss as a sister, he loves her like I do. But thanks to the Capitol he can't even admit that.

"I wrote a poem about Katniss on the day I found out about her..." He swallowed loudly and whispered the last word. "dying."

Though I could hear the emotion in his voice all I could think was why is everyone writing poems about Katniss? She was so much more than that. More than a few rhyming lines filled with words that could barely compare to the actual feeling of losing her. Then he started speaking, his voice smooth and enthralling.

_"I will always remember that morning,_

_I was sitting near our tree_

_They approached, time just stopped,_

_As their news had finally hit me."_

_"I was told that your beauty_

_Would no longer be in my life_

_You were killed, forced to die_

_For the pleasure of death and strife."_

_"Filled with aching denial_

_I couldn't help but disagree_

_But when I saw your mother and your sister_

_I finally believed"_

_"I heard my heart shatter_

_And my soul screamed a cry_

_But all I wished, was that I had said_

_My final goodbye."_

_"Ruthless pain I try to hide_

_It's time to be brave for others_

_I buried it so deep inside,_

_Cause the loss of you hurts another."_

At this I can feel Gale's eyes lock on to me. I can't meet them but he carries on regardless.

_"I wish you would have listened for once_

_I wish that we did hide_

_Instead I am left waiting for you_

_Your family by my side."_

_"I will love you forever_

_Though I won't get to hear your voice,_

_I just need to tell you now_

_Katniss I have no choice."_

I could hear the paper in Gale's hand crinkle as he paused, breaking the spell he cast upon us. I'm guessing by the look of frustration on his face he had to edit what he was going to say next, because he has to act brotherly towards her. Obviously coming to some kind of conclusion to his inner turmoil Gale continued.

_"And yes I know_

_It is time to let you go,_

_But I know I can't"_

_"Why did I not say good bye?_

_You were forced to leave my side_

_But my love is here with the tears I shall shed_

_I miss you Katniss_

_And I love you"_

Everyone in the crowd now had tears in their eyes, including me . I had thought I had cried all I could cry but I was mistaken.

I mean shit. It's as if he just ripped out the words imprinted on my soul. He just told the world how I feel.

And to think I thought words couldn't express them.

Damn I hate him!

**A.N: uhmm the baby poem is by Andra Mccoy but the last 3 lines is by Kristin Rose and I just wrote the 4th to last line cause I wanted it to have Katniss in it ...And the poem by Gale is by actually me. XD uhmm its a little rushed cause i've been focussed on other things but I hope you like it.**


	7. Her Burial

**Disclaimer: It all belongs to Suzanne Collins...unfortunately**

**A.N: Short but it's and important chapter. Go easy on me. I'm just getting back into writing.**

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><p><em>Previous Chapter.<em>

_I mean shit. It's as if he just ripped out the words imprinted on my soul. He just told the world how I feel._

_And to think I thought words couldn't express them._

_Damn I hate him!_

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><p><strong><span>Chapter 7- Her Burial<span>**

**HPOV**

Well that was sweet. I guess. That Gale kid sure has a way with words. Didn't help my situation though.

Poor Mrs Everdeen.

I knew that Katniss and her mother weren't close, but the devastation you could see on her was obvious. Fuck the devastation on everyone was obvious, but Mrs Everdeen...hell she looked awful.

When she came down from the stage I couldn't help but curse my position. I mean if I wasn't standing there then she wouldn't have fallen into my arms in tears. And it's not like I can tell her to get off me. Even I'm not that bad.

But she's been sobbing in my arms for hours, and I'm over it. Its making me ...feel.

Katniss' burial is soon and I would rather be helping prepare than stand here doing nothing.

"Uhh Mrs Everdeen, I think it might be time to let me go now. Don't you think?" I ask gently. But when she doesn't notice I say in an even kinder tone. "Prim needs you and it's almost time to bury Katniss. Your children need you."

With that being said, she gathered herself up and started walking as steadily as she could toward Prim and Peeta.

I care for her truly I do. She's Katniss's mother, she was kind enough to care for me in my alcohol ridden state and she's related to Kat. I don't think I could ever be truly annoyed at anyone who was so closely related to Katniss.

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><p><strong>Mystery POV<strong>

Darkness..

Silence...

Void...

Where am I? Who am I? What am I doing here?

So many questions swirl through my head, but no memories. I know I was someone. Someone who was loved. But who?

Why can't I remember who I was? Am I missed? Do my family- do I even have any family?

Alone..

Cold..

It's dark in here, I'm scared. I know for sure this is an emotion I have felt before.

I want my mummy. Wait what is that song? I can hear her singing it to me. Is that my mummy? I can even feel her brushing my hair away from my face. It's a memory. A beautiful memory. Her voice is- was beautiful. Pure and clear but sad. So much sadness.

_Deep in the meadow, under the willow _

_A bed of grass, a soft green pillow _

_Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes _

_And when again they open, the sun will rise_

_Here it's safe, here it's warm _

_Here the daisies guard you from every harm _

_Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true _

_Here is the place that I love you_

_Deep in the meadow, hidden far away _

_A cloak of leaves, a moonbeam ray _

_Forget your woes and let your troubles lay _

_And when again it's morning they'll wash away_

_Here it's safe, here it's warm _

_Here the daises guard you from every harm _

_Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true_

Her voice keeps getting quieter, until the last lines are barely a whisper on the wind.

_Here is the place where I love you._

I'm safe, she makes me feel safe even in here. Tired, I close my eyes letting the song wash me away.

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><p><strong>HPOV<strong>

Katniss was buried near her fathers memorial site. Mrs Everdeen thought that it was the best place for her, I couldn't help but agree.

It was a beautiful service admittedly, but the eruption of emotion when the casket was lowered down, will haunt me I am sure. The tears...screams... and outright madness, it was too much for me.

I couldn't watch as she was buried. My little Mockingjay would no longer able to fly and I couldn't...wouldn't bear witness to that.

Throughout the whole thing though, Peeta and Prim remained silent. Shockingly so. Even when the screaming started up, no sound was made from either of them, just the silent tears were all that they showed of their grief. They just stood on either side of Katniss's grave like they were her protectors. Nothing would get through either of them.


End file.
